Your Friendly Neighborhood Death Expert

As Friday the 13th creeps closer, I hope you're being smart and stocking up for a full day of indoor quarantine, remaining safe and unharmed. If you are you'll likely survive the upcoming Friday. But guess what: then it's Valentine's Day. For a moment I want you to think back to 3rd grade. Do you remember that deformed, pimply kid named either Simon or Ari? With the broken glasses and that godawful stench? The one who wanted you as his Valentine and gave you that sweet little heart-shaped love note, but you laughed at him and spat in his pimply little face? While you went on living your life normally aka superficially, he returned to his house and started crying and cutting himself while listening to "Ohio is for Lovers." Why does this matter? Well Saturday's the 10th year anniversary of his greatest rejection, and that kid is gonna give you a brainful of hot pick-axe and warm irony before the clock strikes midnight. And if somehow you survive Valentine's Day, good luck, because March brings yet another Friday the 13th. So I warn ye to keep up your hardiest defenses. Everything I know about the world - what's written below - I learned from horror movies. The most important thing they taught me is that nothing and nobody is safe on any day of the year. I only hope I can impart some of my wisdom on you, so that you may survive as long as I have in this fucked up world:

Days On Which You Will Be Horribly Slaughtered: Friday the 13th, Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, July 4th, the Ides of March (r.i.p. Julius), Easter, full moons, garbage day, nighttime, miscellaneous other days

People Who Will Butcher or Be Butchered: Creepy nerds (but don't make fun of them - see above), pale little children (age range: 3-12; weird color range: white-blue), meatheaded jocks/frat boys, big-breasted bimbos (if they're naked it's too late to go back, so enjoy!), black people (I'm not racist, the movies are), Jensen Ackles, midgets

People Who Will Lead You To Safety: Smart people (meaning ones with common sense)

People Who Will Lead You To Safety Who Exist:

Massacre Happens Here: Shortcuts, high school, college, summer camp, Elm Streets, in your dreams, the beach, places where people have previously been slaughtered, abandoned houses, abandoned places in general, the woods, the Appalachia, the woods in the Appalachia, the Nevada desert, Nebraska, the Louisiana bayou, New York, European brothels, ancient ruins, former nuclear testing sites, mine shafts, seedy motels with moustached concierges, farmhouses in the heart of Texas, planes with Samuel Jackson onboard

Famous Last Acts: Having sex, skinny-dipping or any type of swimming, sleeping, dreaming, going places alone, taking shortcuts, not turning on the lights, picking up hitchhikers, escaping death (you'll die eventually), watching a deadly VHS, not believing the one kid who is always right

They're Probably Evil/Possessed So Beware: toy dolls, clowns, gremlins, leprechauns, werewolves, vampires, zombies, ghosts, people wearing any type of mask whatsoever (beware the trick-or-treaters), the aforementioned demon children, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, your next door neighbor Dan

If you avoid everything listed in those categories, you may just survive. Make just one little mistake and you're probably dead. And if you do something from two or more categories at the same time (e.g. having sex in an abandoned house with your hot girlfriend on Halloween, picking up a black hitchhiker in the Appalachia), you're fucked.

Until next time,

The Bouncer

P.S. If there is a next time